Another rant to find what it means

After speaking with an ex and trying to figure out why I am never happy in relationships I decided that I would take my usual jabber jawing from the IM window and bring it over to my neglected blog. My poor blog.

I ended up leaving her, a second time because I didn’t have the feelings I thought I should, or would have in a relationship, one that actually was ‘right’ if there is such thing. A final touch of a reason to go back to school and finish my degree at ONU was because another girl I was smitten for was attending there. I later realized it was a large mistake in personal judgment.

I was an idiot I thought I saw something that wasn’t there, and I didn’t know if what I had with the girl I was leaving was anything more than just a casual friendship. Like I said, I was and am still looking for something probably that I will never find.

I look at my friends, and I see one relationship where they met, and they just are great together. Then I see another one where the guy got with this girl after he was broken hearten about his last relationship and just married her because he thought it was the right thing to do, or whatever.

Then there is another one where they’re falling apart because she treats him like a real jerk when all he wants to do is please her, but he is never right. And now there is a baby in the picture and it would be murder to him to hurt either one of the most important women in his life to end the relationship

So, there are all these examples of what could happen, and its scary to choose one and say “here goes nothing”, lets hope for the best.

It would be nice if there was a sign of some sort that everything, even though the waters will get choppy, will work out with them in the end.

I’ve become a cynic, I know. A bit jaded even at the way I act when it comes to relationships. Telling people that I don’t care if they get bitchy at me, I won’t put up with it cause there are a million people out there in the end, 2:1 female to male ratio really, and I don’t need that crap.

Its almost like I’m giving the women a personal challenge in order to see if they can please me enough so I won’t toss them to the side and pick out another one… based on.. what? Physique? Great bodies don’t necessarily equal great partners for life. Lust, perhaps.

I don’t think I’ll find a sign, and the current relationship I’m in came out as kind of an accident, and then moved so fast that the next thing I knew I was living with her. Another first for myself. Of course, I am living with other people, and I think that her and I together would have a great home if it was just the two of us because of our cooking and cleaning styles. Unfortunately she is very sick, and it makes me unhappy that we can’t enjoy anything together anymore because of her illness.  She granted me the ability to leave the relationship, but I don’t think that is the right thing to do. I think I’ll stay. I know that down under her pain and suffering is someone that really cares about me. Hell, she even asked me what it was about me that kept her around. She even admits to getting bored with a relationship after a few months and sticks around because of fear of hurting the other person.

I used to pray to God in the heavens above for someone to love me… anyone. I felt so alone. Now, I have tossed aside many great relationships, hurting and doing to them what I feared would always happen to me. Sometimes you do get exactly what you wish for, I just hope I can figure it out. I’m only a quarter of a century old… I suppose it isn’t over till its over.

Hop on.